NOT all policemen are strippers.
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me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no