Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
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[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.