If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
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My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool