I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
fourth time’s the charm
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night