*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
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Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment