women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.