My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
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Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Not today, today.
Not today.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.