I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Message from the dog groomers
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.