What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules