[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
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During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients