went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me :
All Day At Night
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?