“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?