Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.