I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
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IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS