*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.