{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.