if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
a badder mouse