“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.