It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Boom, boom, ching!
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe