I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected鈥t鈥檚 blood.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I鈥檓 down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment鈥檚 peace and destroy all our stuff?
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
馃彊馃懆馃徏
my sentiments exactly
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can鈥檛 have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I鈥檒l be back.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.