Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.