Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
mentally somewhere in italy
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.