Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”