(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
You Might Also Like
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy