I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
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All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.