I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛