Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
You Might Also Like
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……