*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
You Might Also Like
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
goldfish mafia
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING