My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
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I’ve been drinking.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.