The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?