wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.