I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
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[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
man: wait
time: no
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂