I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
You Might Also Like
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Animal poetry
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.