It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
You Might Also Like
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
inventing words: clothing
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?