Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
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[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I am never leaving this website
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
fired
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Yup.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)