If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
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Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.