“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.