Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
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Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
When I said I liked it rough.