Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
…żyje?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
stand with me against insufficient seating
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.