Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come