One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
You Might Also Like
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Day 2 of my diet
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*