What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“