Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.