got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.