This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager