To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Lmao
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…