*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
nice challenge
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.