ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?