Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”