“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
they finally got him. they got macavity
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD